Hangin’ with the zombies


Natural News is the best. The absolute number one, no question. If you are looking for the biggest source of bullshit on the internet, Natural News is the place to go.

There are all kinds of crazy stories on that site, mostly about how the healthcare industry is a huge conspiracy to keep people sick and how there are natural and “chemical-free” remedies for everything from indigestion to cancer (and of course the healthcare conspiracy is covering them up). But this article takes the cake. This is the granddaddy of them all – the one that combines all the different conspiracy theories together.

It’s called “Everything is rigged – health, politics, finance and more – but here’s how to beat the system”. The author says that multiple industries – food, health, government, banking, justice, news, even war – are “rigged to cheat you, to suppress you, and ultimately to suppress your human potential“. Nowhere does he say why, other than the generic and evidence-free claims of corporations maximizing profits by taking advantage of their customers. He also implies that corporations and banks are in control of the government, though again he doesn’t say how or why. There are almost no links in the article that don’t go back to Natural News itself, so all of these conspiracy claims are just stated as if they’re common knowledge (they’re not) and don’t need evidence (they do).

What’s the author’s way to beat the system? Don’t play. Don’t send your kid to “government-run indoctrination centers known as public schools, home school them.” Right, because everyone has that option. Don’t watch cable news propaganda, get your news from Natural News. Just a touch self-serving, no? Don’t vote for any president at all, since “voting for a presidential candidate legitimizes the corrupt system“, but “it’s definitely important to vote for local candidates“. So the federal system is corrupt but the local one isn’t?

He doesn’t even seem to realize the conflicting claims he’s making. He claims that the “food system is rigged with GMOs* that actually poison you while spreading genetic pollution across farms and fields everywhere.” He also says that “Government regulators are completely rigged. The FDA looks out primarily for the interests of Monsanto* and drug companies, not the safety of the American people.” Then later, he suggests we “buy organic and avoid the GMOs“. Because you know that food marked organic meets all the standards for that label. You know that the organic farm isn’t being doused with “genetic pollution”. You know the farmer isn’t using pesticides and such and just claiming it’s organic so he can charge three times as much money for the same apples. How do you know these things? Because the government regulates use of the term “organic” and won’t let – but wait! These guys don’t trust the government or their regulators!

* – Monsanto is a huge American biotech company that is pioneering research into genetically modified crops, also known as genetically modified organisms or GMOs.

They state that the government is trying to poison everyone. If that’s true, what better way for them to do it than to come up with a word that tells people “this product is SAFE!” and then just slap that word on stuff whether it’s safe or not? And while they’re at it, they should triple the price of organic things so they make more money at the same time! Unless you personally go to the farms and watch the entire farming process from beginning to end, you kind of have to trust the government regulators, don’t you? Assuming the government is corrupt and trying to poison us almost guarantees that the organic industry is part of it.

Finally, the author comes up with five levels of “awareness / awakening” numbered, oddly enough, from 0 to 4. Level 0 is “Zombie”, someone who is ignorant of all of the conspiracies previously discussed. This is apparently 90% of people. He then lists some “keywords and concepts that typically relate” to such Zombies: “Football, sports scores, TV sitcoms, processed junk food, vaccinations, playing the lotto, following doctors’ orders, submitting to apparent authority, going along with the status quo.” Wow. Not too judgmental.

Level 1 is “Awakened”, and this describes people who are just starting to ask questions about all of these conspiracies. These people “read ingredients on foods” and watch “documentaries instead of sports”. But if the food industry and government regulators are both corrupt, what good does reading the ingredients on foods do? They’re obviously mislabeled so the Zombies don’t find out about the mind-control chemicals the government puts in everything. Except organic stuff, of course. And the bit about documentaries makes total sense because once you realize that government and Big Pharma control the entire food and healthcare industries, obviously you lose your interest in something unrelated like sports.

Level 2 is “Informed”, consisting of people who have “taught themselves a significant amount of real history and the way the world really works“. (The emphasis on “real history” is his, not mine.) They even mention that these people should have a knowledge of “basic science“. Obviously he’s hoping nobody that reads Natural News has reached this level or they’d realize what a load of crap it is.

Level 3 is “Mastery”, which is people with great influence – the “innovators, creators and often communicators“. The idea is “achieving relevance in a world largely populated by utterly irrelevant people“. Since he’s already said that this is less than 1% of the population, he just called over 99% of the world’s population irrelevant.

Level 4 is “Enlightenment”, and “far less than one in a million” people ever get here, and only through “the highest dedication to spiritual awakening“. At this level, “individuals become withdrawn from the material world and really have no interest in interacting with individuals of lower levels of awareness“. He says this like it’s the pinnacle of human achievement, but I don’t think I’d want to be there. I kind of like interacting with my fellow Zombies.

The author never states which group he considers himself a part of, but it’s obvious he thinks he’s at the top. One of the scariest parts of the article is the list of facebook comments below it. It’s filled with people who also consider themselves at level 4 and honestly say things like “It can be so difficult and lonely at this level” and “it’s lonely at the top of the mountain”. First off, if far less than one in a million people reach level 4, then there are less than 7,000 level 4’s in the world today. We should feel honoured that a bunch of them all decided to interact with us Zombies. But these are people who “really have no interest in interacting with individuals of lower levels of awareness” – and they’ve joined facebook? If reaching level 4 turns you into a holier-than-thou douchebag, I definitely don’t want to get there – especially if you’re a lonely holier-than-thou douchebag.

On his “levels of awakening” scale, I’d call myself a level 2, since I’m making an effort to be informed on “real history” and basic science. I listen to a number of science-based podcasts and follow science news on the internet, I do read ingredients on food, and I do enjoy watching documentaries. But I also watch sports and I’m skeptical of pretty much everything on Natural News, so that probably pushes me back down to level 0. If that’s the case, so be it. I’d much rather hang out down here with my fellow Zombies than with people who consider themselves in a group that’s better than everyone else just because they believe the same bullshit.

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