Category Archives: Funny

The chemtrail conspiracy


A surprising number of people believe in something they call chemtrails. This is the belief that the cloud-like lines you see forming behind airplanes are not contrails or vapor trails (i.e. trails of water crystals that form due to water in the engine exhaust and very cold air) but chemicals intentionally released by the airliners. These people believe that the “government” (whether it’s the US government or all governments or that of the “New World Order”) forces airlines to secretly install distribution devices on all aircraft and then spread mind-controlling chemicals over the general public.

Yes, this is really a thing that people believe.

Chem- I mean contrails

Once again, we have a huge conspiracy theory that (a) would have to include thousands of people over many decades with no whistleblowers, (b) has no compelling evidence at all, and (c) has no real reason for existing. It’s not like there’s some huge mystery out there to which this idea is a solution. The followers of this theory want you to believe that the government (again, it must be all governments working together since these trails appear over every country) has the ability to create chemicals that help them control people’s minds but are unable to prevent the chemicals from turning white when dispersed.

Unanswered questions: Why are the people blowing the whistle not being silenced? Why are the web sites allowed to stay active? Why are there chemtrails over the middle of the ocean? Why do pilots and mechanics agree to this when such mind-control chemicals would affect them and their families as well? Why would airlines agree to this at all? Do people really believe that the governments of North Korea and the US are co-operating in this?

But the best argument against this idea is that spreading mind-control chemicals from an airplane seven miles above the ground is just about the least effective way to do it since it would disperse so widely as to be ineffective. If you really wanted to spread mind-controlling chemicals to the general public, a much better way would be to add it to the water supply. If anyone asks, you tell them it’s for their own good, like maybe it’s designed to keep people’s teeth healt—

Oh dear.

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The weirdest thing I’ve ever seen at a sporting event


I’ve been to close to 200 pro lacrosse games over the last 14 years. In that time, I’ve seen some weird things: a player sent off the floor by the referee because he was wearing Nike shoes instead of Reeboks, a player step on another player’s back while walking back to the bench, goalies fighting with non-goalies, the list goes on. The funniest was probably the time a goalie (Anthony Cosmo) made a save, then picked up the ball and while deciding which teammate to pass it to, didn’t notice the ball slowly roll out of his stick and bounce into the net. The guy who got credit for the goal was already sitting on the bench when it went in.

Given all that, it’s a little surprising that the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen at a sporting event comes from the world of football.

I’m not a football guy. I don’t mind watching the odd CFL game on TV but I don’t really pay much attention to the league in general, and I never watch the NFL. But I’ve been to a couple of Argos games over the years and one Tiger-Cats game too. It was at an Argos game at Skydome a bunch of years ago that this particular event occurred.

It’s not a long story, so don’t blink.

The Argos were playing the Saskatchewan Roughriders, and at some point during the game I heard a chorus of male voices chanting “Here we go Riders, here we go! <clap> <clap> Here we go Riders, here we go! <clap> <clap>” I remember noticing not only because the Riders were the away team, but because I’m used to hearing that chant as “Let’s go <team>, let’s go” rather than “Here we go <team>, here we go”. I figured it was a Saskatchewan thing.

Roughriders

I looked around for the group of Roughrider fans that made the trip to Toronto, or perhaps a group of Saskatchewan ex-pats living in Toronto, but couldn’t find any. Then I realized what was happening.

It was a recording.

The sound was coming directly from the Roughrider bench. They were playing a recording of people chanting “Here we go Riders”, presumably to get their team pumped up.

I’m no pro athlete but I would imagine that playing in front of thousands of people cheering for you or your team can indeed get you pumped. But that’s because of the people themselves and their obvious passion and enthusiasm, not the sounds that they are making. Were the coaches or whoever trying to fool the players into believing they were in Regina and those sounds they heard we the rabid Roughies fans cheering them on? Did they honestly think that would work?

We need healing crystals here, stat! Aquamarine quartz!


Proponents of Complementary and Alternative Medicine (CAM – though I tend to add the word “So-called” at the beginning because that acronym is a little more accurate) rarely say “Never go to a doctor” or “you should always use naturopathic medicine”. They know that this could turn many people off of CAM, so they try to state their case as a preference. If you want to go to your doctor that’s fine, but if you prefer to go to a naturopath, that should be your right and your insurance provider (and the health care system in general) should be accepting of that, i.e. should support it and pay for it. This is, in my opinion, a false equivalency – they are implying that “traditional” medicine and CAM are equally valid and equally effective when in reality CAM consists entirely of “treatments” that either have never been proven effective or have been proven ineffective.

That’s the official CAM literature, anyway: it’s a choice. But in the real world, the CAM community is full of people who talk all the time about the medical conspiracy and how doctors are withholding cures for diseases and how you should never go to a doctor practicing “Western medicine” or allow them to pump you full of man-made chemicals. Alternative medicines are the only way to go. This is not 100% of all CAM supporters, but a very vocal subset.

CAM people want the right to use homeopathic “vaccines” instead of regular ones. They want the right for the healthcare system to pay for their reiki or acupuncture or other pretend magic remedies. But there’s one thing that I’ve never heard a CAM supporter fight for.

Why aren’t CAM supporters demanding the right to have ambulance workers provide CAM instead of “traditional” medicine when they call 911?

If you don’t trust Western medicine and you believe that doctors are all part of a conspiracy to keep people sick and that natural medicine is your best option, why do you accept the possibility of being taken to a traditional hospital to be treated by Western doctors after an accident? What if some medical emergency happens to you and you can’t communicate your beliefs? Hopefully someone will call 911 but then without asking, they’ll take you to a traditional hospital. They might even start Western treatment right there in the ambulance. How awful!

What we need is the CAMbulance. You call 911 (or possibly a different number so you don’t get a traditional Western ambulance by mistake), describe the problem to the operator, and say you want the CAMbulance, and they’ll send out a different vehicle to take you to a local acupuncturist or homeopath or faith healer or something. That way you won’t get horrible things like painkillers or penicillin, which are of course made up entirely of CHEMICALS. I’m sure your acupuncturist can repair the internal bleeding and the homeopath can give you something that will clean up the plaque in your arteries that caused that heart attack. Your faith healer can re-attach that severed arm and if he can’t, well God must not have wanted you to have it anyway.

Even better – CAM people should sell Medic Alert-type bracelets saying “if in an accident, take me to a naturopath, not a hospital”. That way even if you’re incapacitated, your feelings can be made clear. Or perhaps they could just take you straight to the funeral home and skip the middleman. The CAMbulance is really a hearse.

Or perhaps the CAMbulance would take you to a place like this:

(Note “A&E” stands for “Accidents & Emergencies” which is the British term for what we in North America would call the ER.)

10 things you don’t know about me


This is all the rage on Facebook these days, so I’ll play along.

  1. I used to be an accomplished ski jumper. I started jumping in my teens and won a few competitions while in my 20’s before hurting my ankle. It’s fine now and I don’t limp or anything, but it was enough to end my jumping career.
  2. In the mid-90’s, I worked for a software company that produced software for law enforcement agencies including the Metro Toronto Police, the Boston Police Department, and the Rochester Police Department, and I also dealt with the FBI and US Secret Service. It was interesting enough that I applied to the Ontario Provincial Police to become a police officer but was rejected.
  3. I’ve been hunting a few times but not for years. I once brought down a deer but felt bad about it for weeks. The venison was good though.
  4. I worked as a waiter at a few restaurants while in high school. I was terrible at it and got fired twice after complaints from customers.
  5. My favourite vacation ever was Cancun, Mexico. The place we stayed was very nice, the food was great, and the diving was spectacular.
  6. I love historical fiction. I’ve read Les Misérables a dozen times and will read any novel about 16th-17th century Europe that I can get my hands on.
  7. A girl I briefly dated in high school went on to an acting career in Hollywood, including 3 years on All My Children and movies with Sean Penn, Al Pacino, and John Travolta.
  8. When I went to Western, my landlord was a professor who had previously debated David Suzuki on national television. And won.
  9. I went para-sailing during my honeymoon in Cuba. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
  10. I love to make shit up. Not one of the above “facts” is true.

Only three of them are even partially true:

  • #2 is true except that I never applied to be a police officer
  • #7 – I did go to high school with Ingrid Rogers, who did appear in those TV shows and movies. But we never dated. In fact, I barely knew her.
  • #8 – I did go to Western and my landlord was a psychology professor, but not the one that debated Suzuki.

I did this whole exercise a bunch of years ago, but with actual facts.

The only good spider is a dead spider. And they’re not that good.


How much do I hate spiders? I’ll tell you how much I hate spiders.

We have a cold room (i.e. pantry) in the basement, stocked with food we buy on sale. We have enough boxes of cereal in there to feed a small army. This is also where we keep the pop and beer to keep it cold, even in the summer.

A few days ago Gail went grocery shopping. When she returned, she put a bunch of stuff in a cardboard box so we (that is to say I) could bring it all down to the cold room at once. I brought the box downstairs and was about to open the door to the cold room when I saw a spider on the floor. It was about an inch and a half wide – not huge, but not tiny either. I put the box of food down on the spider and moved it around to make sure it was good and squished. Then I saw another spider on the wall. The door to the cold room is off of the workshop, and I keep a pair of slippers in there in case I’m working with wood – I don’t want to drag the sawdust around the house on my socks. I grabbed a slipper, squashed the second spider, put the slipper back down and walked back upstairs.

Three days later, the box of food is still sitting on the floor outside the door of the cold room because I don’t want to look at what’s underneath it.

Unclear on the concept


This is an actual conversation I had with Nicky (age 10) after school today.

Nicky: Dad, can I play on the computer?

Me: No. Remember during the last school year when we did what we called “screen-free weeks”? You and Ryan would go from Monday to Thursday during the week with no computer, no TV, no Nintendo, no iPod because otherwise that’s all you’d do. You’d never read, never play outside, never play board or card games, never play with any other toys, just video games and TV. Sometimes you’d even ignore homework. Once we started with the screen-free weeks, you found other things to occupy your time. For whatever reason, we’ve managed to get away from that recently, so you guys are spending too much time staring at computer or TV screens. So we’re going to start that up again. If you need the computer for school work that’s fine, but otherwise you’ll have to find something else to do.

Nicky: Ok.

<Five minutes later>

Nicky: Dad, can I watch a movie?