Category Archives: Funny

Using Krazy Glue


For all of you would-be handymen out there, here’s a checklist for the best way to get broken pieces of anything glued back together using Krazy Glue. This is my tried-and-true method, the way I do it every time. I hope this helps you.Krazy Glue

  1. Take broken pieces to the workshop in the basement.
  2. Clean off each piece of the broken item and make sure you know how each piece should fit together.
  3. Clear off some space on the bench by piling the piles of stuff in the middle on top of the piles of stuff to one side.
  4. Brush away the sawdust that was created when you cut that piece of wood three months ago.
  5. Dig under the piles of stuff you just moved to find the Krazy Glue container.
  6. Remove the lid of the container and smile at the words “clog-free!” on the label.
  7. Squeeze the container over one of the broken items. Ensure that no glue comes out of the tube.
  8. Continue squeezing harder and harder so that if glue were to come out of the tube, it would be shot across the room and land on the wall.
  9. Take a thin, sharp object like a staple and try to poke a hole in the end of the tube. This didn’t work the last twenty-three times you tried it, but maybe this time it will.
  10. Get a utility knife and cut a tiny piece off the end of the tube.
  11. Repeat steps 7-10, cutting bigger and bigger pieces off the end each time. Continue until one of the only two possible results occurs:
    1. the entire contents of the tube are dumped onto the items you’re gluing. In this case, throw everything in the garbage before the glue dries. You’re done!
    2. the entire plastic bit on the end is gone and there is still no glue coming out. Continue with the next step.
  12. Throw the tube in the garbage.
  13. Go over to the garbage can. Pick up the tube, which is on the floor next to the can.
  14. Throw the tube in the garbage.
  15. Go to the hardware store, buy a new tube. Make sure you get the “clog-free!” stuff, paying extra for it if necessary.
  16. Open the tube, place one drop of glue on one piece and hold the other piece against it for about ten seconds.
  17. Place the item on the workbench, making sure to arrange it so that there is no pressure on the repaired joint.
  18. Let it dry for a few minutes if your wife asked you to fix it, or three days if one of your kids did since they’ve already forgotten and have moved on to something else.
  19. Make sure you follow the storage directions on the container, so that the tube doesn’t get clogged when you put it away.
  20. Six months later, when you need to glue something else, start again at step #1.

A conversation with a 3-year-old


I took Ryan to the dentist yesterday. While he was in getting his work done, I was sitting in the waiting room pondering the meaning of life with the help of the internet, by which I mean I was reading twitter on my phone. A little boy, maybe 3, came out of the back and sat on the couch next to me. His brother and sister (around 8 and 5) sat in chairs next to the couch while their mother was paying and making future appointments. The kid that sat next to me was very friendly and we had a fun little conversation over the next few minutes:

Kid: Hi!

Me: Hi.

Kid: Do you have a brother?

Me: No.

Kid: You don’t have a brother?

Me: No, but I have a sister.

Kid: You have a sister?

Me: Yes. Do you have a brother?

Kid: Ya, he’s over there (points to his brother, who waves).

Me: Is that your sister?

Kid: Ya, that’s my sister (points to her). Just like you have a sister.

Me: Except you have a big sister. I have a little sister.

Sister: What’s your sister’s name?

Me: Her name is Trudy.

Kid: Trudy? That’s a good name. Are you waiting for your sister?

Me: No, she’s not here. She lives in Toronto.

Kid’s mom: Shhhh! Don’t bother the man! He’s trying to read!

Me: Oh no, that’s fine.

Kid: (Picks up a sports magazine) Do you play basketball?

Me: No, I don’t.

Kid: Do you play hockey? You probably play hockey.

Me: No, but I like to watch hockey!

Kid: Do you play basketball?

Me: Uh, no. I play baseball.

Kid: I play hockey!

Me: Do you? It’s lots of fun, isn’t it?

Kid: (pauses, looks over pictures in magazine) Do you have a kuck?

Me: Pardon me?

Kid: Do you have a kuck?

Me: Do I have…

Sister: He wants to know if you have a truck.

Me: A truck? No. I have a little car. It’s out there but it’s behind other cars so you can’t see it. (I notice at this point that there’s an ad for a truck on the page he’s looking at.)

Kid: Do you want to buy a truck?

Me: I don’t know. I like trucks.

Mom: (Finished paying, gathering up the kids) I’m so sorry.

Me: Oh, no problem at all! He’s quite friendly, isn’t he?

Mom: (Shaking head) Oh my God, is he ever.

Make a teaching fairyland


Nicky was given a toy last week – a 3D puzzle of a Ferrari racing car. The puzzle was made in China, and the people who created the packaging were obviously not English-speakers. Perhaps they had access to Google Translate and decided that translating the Chinese text a word at a time was the best way to go. We had a pretty good time reading the instructions:

Use hand and head — Training kid’s flexible for their proportion on the hands and eyes. Develop them imagination ability. Make a teaching fairyland.

Design munificent — It can be assemblaged detached over and over, and looks like veritable. It needn’t any assist tools.

Perfect in workmanship — Materials are daintiness. Safety and slightly. Full of colour printing.

It could certainly be said that it’s not fair to make fun of these people because their English, as bad as it is, is better than my Chinese. This is absolutely true – I don’t know a word of Mandarin, Cantonese, or any other Chinese language. But I’m not writing Chinese text for a product that will be sold in China. If that was my job, I might try talking to someone who actually speaks Chinese.  If I were to write it myself, I’m sure it would be pretty damned funny to Chinese speakers.

If the coffee machine breaks, just drink water


At work, we have a fancy coffee machine in the kitchen which is similar to the Tassimo thing that’s all the rage these days. (A friend of mine who didn’t drink coffee bought one for his wife, and now he drinks at least a cup a day. You can judge for yourself whether that’s a good thing or not.) The one at work takes little pouches (called “pods”) of coffee, tea, or hot chocolate, pushes hot water through them at high pressure, and gives you a steaming mug within about 30 seconds. I don’t drink coffee but I like the tea and hot chocolate it makes, and the fact that it’s ready so quickly is very convenient.

When it’s done making your beverage, it automatically drops the used pod out the bottom into a big bin that gets emptied regularly. Now and again a used pod will get stuck, but the people who supply us with the coffee pouches have posted a helpful (hand-written) list of instructions on how to clear it:

The order is VERY specific!!

Turn off, unplug. Open big door, then put your hand under silver packet door, pull off, set aside. Look inside. If you see a pod give 1/4 turn, GENTLY slide out the back (DON’T FORCE).

Plug in, turn on, close big door IN THAT ORDER.

Next, put silver packet door on by putting top into place, smack bottom with your hand. PACKET DOOR  MUST BE PUT ON LAST OR ELSE IT WILL NOT RESET! Good luck.

Good luck indeed. Sorry, but if your product needs this level of detailed instructions (complete with UPPERCASE COMMANDS) to fix a basic problem, you need to revisit your design. Luckily this has never happened to me but if it did, Tim Horton’s is only a 3 minute drive away.

Cloud computing is like groovy, man


I downloaded a package from sourceforge.net this morning and saw an advertisement for a whitepaper from IBM on cloud computing. This line in the ad intrigued me:

CloudComputing

I wonder what kinds of cloud computing initiatives IBM was working on in 1971, when TCP/IP (the protocol used by the internet) hadn’t been invented yet?

What led you to me?


Here are some actual searches that led people to my blog from September to December 2010. 

Attention Facebook readers: You might want to click the “View Original Post” link at the bottom of this note. Facebook sometimes messes up the formatting.

  • “toop ten 2010 fucking girls an sking” – I have no idea how this led to my blog. I even tried doing the same search and my blog didn’t show up in the results. I messed around with this search string to try and make my blog appear in the results – including adding “cut the chatter” to it – but I couldn’t.
  • “garth brooks bmw truck opera subsidize”
  • These three were all on the same day. Not sure if it was the same guy who kept forgetting the answer or three different people, but I have not seen criteria like this on any other day.
    • “my middle name is earl song lyrics”
    • “my middle name is earl lyrics to song”
    • “what song miidle name is earl”
  • Someone found my blog through a search from http://www.google.com.ar. This must be Google’s search engine for pirates.
  • “my face has sunken”
  • “i have been sent home with a t-tube coming out of my tummy what is this”
  • “boys on pool table doing the macarena” as well as “macarena boys dancing pool table”
  • “procedure for placing drain tube in buttock cheek ct guided”
  • “should you call ambulance when acute pancreatitis attack” – on the assumption that you don’t want to die, I’d say yes
  • “do they have to cut my stomach to tie my tubes”
  • “is wayne gretzky circumcised” – I wrote an article on circumcision several years ago and ever since, I’ve seen a number of searches hit my blog asking about the… um… status of celebrities including Wayne Gretzky, Eric Lindros, Charlie Sheen, Clay Buchholz, and others. I don’t know why this information would be of value to anyone and honestly, I don’t want to know why someone thinks it might be.

At least they made the playoffs


Nicky’s soccer team played in the consolation final yesterday, since they lost their semi-final game last week. The game was tied so they went to penalty shots and ended up losing. (Note that there are only four teams in this league, so fourth place is the same as last.) Nicky’s teammate’s mother and little sister (I think she’s six) were sitting next to me, and this conversation occurred after the game:

Little Girl: Did we win the first place cup?
Mom: No, honey, we didn’t.
Little Girl: Did we win second place?
Mom: No.
Little Girl: Third place?
Mom: No, not third either.
Little Girl: Fourth place?
Mom: Yes.
Little Girl: Oh. That’s the Stinker Cup.