The NeXT Big Thing?


To: All Apple employees
From: Steve Jobs
Date: January 8, 2017

 

As you all know, tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of our announcement of the first iPhone, and we are commemorating this event with our biggest announcement yet: the new Apple iBrain cranial implant. Many of you have had the beta implant for a few months now, and if you think down to the ‘upgrade’ page, you can see the GA upgrade surgery schedule.

The iBrain contains what you’d expect: music and ultra-hi-def video players, hologram projector, satellite videophone, 20 Gigapixel camera, car remote control (thanks to the Segway team for getting that in before the deadline!), and calculator. However, because this device is directly implanted into your brain, it has some very exciting new abilities as well. The iBrain can enhance your memory (imagine remembering what you had for lunch on any given day 10 years ago!) as well as give you vastly improved hearing and vision (up to 20:0.25 on the old scale — remember when people used to improve their vision by actually altering their eyeballs rather than improving the brain’s processing of the existing visual signals from the eyes?).

The iBrain upgrade package includes everything in the base package plus some extras like enhancing your senses of smell and taste, the ability to understand what lawyers are talking about, basic car repair, home repair, and welding techniques, and an impressive multimedia library, including every song, book, TV show, and film ever created, as well as the entire contents of youtube.com (thanks to our recent agreement with Google-Microsoft). Just think – if you want to watch some video of last year’s “The Who – the Farewell-No-Really-We-Mean-It-This-Time” tour, it’s there, as well as every season of “CSI: Toledo”, and the top selling albums of 2016: “Daddy Didn’t Do Me No Favors” by Prince Jackson, “Greatest Hits Vol. 6” by Paris Hilton, and “I Got Issues” by Britney Timberlake. Thanks to our merger with Nintendo three years ago, the upgrade also includes the new Nintendo W00t! gaming system.

You can also get upgrades for the iBrain at the iStore. Packages include a language pack, giving you full fluency in such languages as English, Japanese, Chinese, Spanish, and L33t, courses and even entire degrees from most accredited North American universities, jiu-jitsu, and the ability to fly a B-212 helicopter.

I also want to mention that the employees who volunteered for alpha testing have been doing very well — most of them can now walk on their own again, and a few have begun to speak! Once again, I cannot stress enough that the use of the phrase “insanely great” is absolutely forbidden in reference to this product.

I want to thank all of our employees for all of their hard work and dedication to this project. Be sure to watch AppleTV next week for our exclusive coverage of President Clooney’s Minute Maid State of the Union address brought to you by Allstate.

Steve

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