Category Archives: Funny

Driving in winter


If you’re not from Ontario (I used to think it was just the Toronto area, but apparently Ottawa suffers from this as well), it might interest you to know that there are three types of winter drivers:

  1. “Oh, it’s snowing. I guess I will slow down a little, put my headlights on, and pay a little more attention to the road and other vehicles. No need to panic.”
  2. “Snow, schmow. I have a 4×4 and winter tires, so I can go as fast as I want, regardless of the weather or traffic conditions, and I will always be able to stop or turn whenever and wherever I want.”
  3. “OMFG there’s like little white thingies falling from the sky! I better slow down to like half the speed limit just in case my car slips on one and I spin out. I knew this guy once? In school? Who was driving? In the snow? And he spun out? And he like died and stuff! Oooh, I know! I’ll drive slow in the fast lane to force other people to slow down too – just to make sure that nobody else gets hurt by these White Flakes of Death. Stop honking at me people! I’m trying to save your life! And you’re making me nervous! I better slow down some more.”

Thankfully, the majority of drivers are in group 1. But considering this is freakin’ Canada, there are a surprising number of people who seem to forget everything about driving in snow the moment the last flake melts in the spring.

Ted Kennedy is the new Sarah Connor


First former Maple Leaf Ted “Teeder” Kennedy died two weeks ago. Then Senator Ted Kennedy died yesterday. This has got to be more than just a coincidence. Someone should check the phone book for more Ted Kennedy’s and warn them that some cyborg may have come from the future to kill them.

Prime parking spot


The boys are going to a camp at Hillfield-Strathallan College in Hamilton this week (and next), and I dropped them off the other morning. They went to this camp last year as well, but I couldn’t remember exactly where to drop them off. Gail had done it the previous couple of days, so I asked Ryan to direct me to where we needed to go. Here’s how the conversation went:

Me: Where do I need to park?
Ryan: Right here is good.
Me: Like right here?
Ryan: Yup.
Me: OK.

We got out of the car and start walking towards the building.

Me: What door do we go in?
Ryan: See that door way down there?
Me: Yeah…
Ryan: Right after that, around the corner, is the door we go in.
Me: You mean right next to all those empty parking spots?
Ryan: Yup.
Me:

Captcha


When browsing a blog site today, I clicked on an article and read the comments. At the bottom was a comment form with a captcha, which looked like:

captcha

This seemed odd, since I happen to have a son named Nicholas. Of course it would have been a little more appropriate for my wife, but still…

Parking Lot Design FAIL


In front of the main door of the building I work in, there are several handicapped parking spots, as there should be. To the west of the main door is the door I usually use. When you open that door, there is a step up (no ramp), and the hallway you enter leads directly to a stairwell and nothing else. There is no way to access the main floor using that door (well, there is a door into an unfinished storage area on the main floor, but that door is permanently locked).

So why are there five handicapped parking spots in front of that door?

Dirty old man


When I got up this morning, I weighed myself. 174.5. Then I had a shower and right afterwards (my hair was still wet), I weighed myself again. 173.5.

The logical conclusion? The shower removed one pound of dirt from my body. Maybe morning breath isn’t my biggest problem.

Top ten reasons why being a Rock fan is better than being a Bandits fan


  1. Getting tickets to a Rock game is getting easier, while getting tickets to a Bandits game is getting harder
  2. No annoying cheering and yelling during games – much quieter while you are sending email on your Blackberry
  3. Orange shoes are distracting
  4. Same coach and GM for seven years? Where’s the fun in that?
  5. No counting lessons (“1, 2, 3, …, n, WE WANT n+1!”) or spelling lessons (“B O X”) during Rock games
  6. Rock fans can look back at the early years when Les Bartley and Jim Veltman led them to multiple championships
  7. Mark Steenhuis is greedy – keeps hogging All-Star game MVP and player of the week awards
  8. A Bandits player has the same last name as the coach/GM… suspicious. That would never happen in Toronto.
  9. Rock coach arrested for beating up an opposing player. Boring Bandits coach could beat up just about anyone on the planet, but doesn’t.
  10. Weekends free in late April and May

Mangled metaphors


Heard on a sports podcast today:

That’s the golden slipper that Cinderella was looking for.

Um…. what?

First off, Cinderella had glass slippers, not gold. Secondly, Cinderella wasn’t looking for a slipper. In fact, she wasn’t looking for anything – it was the Prince looking for the person who fit the slipper.

Sports guys.

Dialoguing about language weirdities


A bunch of mini-stories about the English language (about which I have previously opined):

There is no noun in English which cannot be verbed. I received an email the other day that contained the word “dialogue” as a verb: “we would like to dialogue with you…“. Why not just say “talk” or “speak”? Or “we would like to have a dialogue with you…” Another example of how verbing weirds language.

Someone on a podcast recently was talking about seeing things from a different advantage point. Sigh.

Ryan asked me a little while ago, “Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too? If you can’t eat it, what’s the point of having it?” I had no answer for him.

In recent years, a lot of people have started using the phrase “going forward”. Why? For almost any sentence containing those two words, the sentence means exactly the same thing if they are removed. Same with “all told”.

If “it goes without saying”, why say it? I actually remember the host of some show like the Oscars or Emmys playing on something like this: he announced that the next presenter “is a man who needs no introduction” and then simply turned and walked off the stage.

Why is it that “I could care less” and “I couldn’t care less” mean the same thing? I always use the latter, since the former makes no sense, but people use it anyway.

Cute kid story: When Ryan was very little (maybe two), we found that if we gave him a cup of juice when he bumped himself or fell or whatever, he’d “recover” faster. Not because of any medicinal properties of the juice, more because it distracted him. He’d concentrate (see what I did there? a juice joke) on the juice (apple juice was about the greatest thing in the world to him back then) and forget about whatever hurt. I guess we told him “some juice will make you feel better” one too many times, because after a while he started verbing it himself. He’d fall and then say between tears “Some juice will feel me better”.